How Real Change Happens

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Have you ever watched a loved one—your child, a family member, even yourself—and felt a deep, aching desire for things to be different? You’re not ungrateful. You don’t love them any less. But you want more for them: more joy, more ease, more growth.

That desire for change is natural. But not all change is created equal. There’s a profound difference between wanting someone to grow because you believe in them, and wanting them to change because you can’t accept who they are right now.

Where Is Your Desire Coming From?

Take a moment and reflect: when you wish your child were more social, more verbal, or less overwhelmed, where does that wish come from? Is it rooted in love and a belief in their potential? Or does it come from fear—fear of judgment, fear of isolation, fear of difference?

How you answer that question matters more than you might realize. Because the energy behind your actions—whether it’s love or fear—shapes everything. When you act from fear, even your encouragement can feel like pressure. Your child senses the unspoken message: You are not enough as you are.

And when someone feels rejected, even silently, they shut down. They stop listening. They stop growing.

I Tried to Change My Son—And Lost Him in the Process

I’ve been there. When my son wasn’t speaking, all I could see was his silence. I hated it. I feared it. So I turned our lives into a project: everything became about getting him to talk. But in doing so, I lost our connection. He felt like a problem to be solved, and I became his manager, not his mother.

It was only when I stepped back and truly saw him—the way he communicated with his eyes, his gestures, his presence—that everything shifted. I stopped chasing words and started rebuilding our relationship. And from that place of trust and acceptance, his speech began to grow. More importantly, he came back. So did our joy.

You Can’t Water a Plant with Boiling Water

If you’re trying to force change from a place of frustration or dissatisfaction, it’s like trying to water a plant with boiling water. No matter how good your intention, the delivery is damaging.

This is especially true for the brain. Real, lasting change doesn’t happen under pressure. It happens in conditions of safety, connection, and joy. Stress hormones like cortisol shut down learning. That’s why a child might perform in a therapy session but can’t use those skills in real life. Or why someone can mask their needs all day, only to collapse when they finally feel safe at home.

My Brother’s Meltdowns Became His Identity

For years, my autistic brother’s meltdowns were the center of our family’s attention. They were loud, overwhelming, and scary. We did everything we could to prevent them. But in trying to erase the meltdowns, we unintentionally made them the core of his identity.

When we finally tried neurofeedback and the meltdowns decreased, something unexpected happened: he became depressed. We had taken away the behavior we hated, but we hadn’t built anything in its place. We had erased a part of him without understanding it.

The real shift came when we stopped fighting the meltdowns. When we started saying, It’s okay. We’re here with you. Only then could we truly see him—and only then did the meltdowns begin to fade. Not because we forced them away, but because he no longer needed them.

Two Questions to Guide You Toward Meaningful Change

If you’re feeling stuck or unsure how to support real growth, start by asking yourself these two questions:

1. Can I love who’s in front of me right now?
   Not the person you hope they’ll become, but the person they are today—fully, completely, messily.
2. What do I actually want?
   Not what society expects, not what other families are doing, but what you and your child truly want. What does a good life look like for you?

Real change—the kind that lasts—only happens when it’s born from love, aligned with your deepest values, and rooted in the truth of who your child is.

At the heart of it all is this simple, powerful belief: all brains grow. But they grow best when they are loved as they are, guided with joy, and given the safety to become who they’re meant to be.

 Hear the full story on the podcast.